It's hard not to have sex, said the Mormon girl.

Photo attribution here. 

And that Mormon girl would be me.

*Note: as you may have guessed, this post is about sex. It's not explicit, but it is direct. If that makes you uncomfortable, you probably shouldn't read it. 

Recently I got my first ever request for a post on a particular topic: post marital sexual deactivation. This is a post I've been wanting to write for quite some time because, frankly, I love sex, and it's really hard to go from having semi-regular access to it to zilch. Second, this is something every divorcee faces but no one talks about, and by now you know how committed I am to talking about the important things that make your average Molly Mormon/Peter Priesthood squirm. On that note...

First of all, I want to kick this off my saying that I know it's, like, a thing to run around saying we feel sorry for men and their ginormous sexual appetites and how it's not their fault and it's all evolution and they have a biological need to spread their seed and all, but I just want to throw it out there that there are many, many women--LDS and otherwise-- with healthy libido, and plenty of men I've met that can either take sex or leave it. So men, you are not alone in the struggle to fly solo after your companion has jumped ship. And women, you are not weird for liking, loving, missing and/or needing sex. So when we all got this letter tucked in with out divorce decrees...

Dear no-longer-married-person, 

Don't have sex anymore. Not with your former spouse, not with your (not yet married to) "future spouse",  not by yourself, not with an elf... Do not have sex here or there. Do not have sex anywhere. 

Good luck with that. 

Love, God


...it's safe to say that men and women alike had issues.

We all have different attitudes, experiences and opinions about sex, but no matter where you fall on the spectrum, if you are recently divorced you will have to reconcile your sex life (or lack of sex life) in some way or another. We as LDS people have an interesting, complicated relationship with sexuality to begin with. We are taught to fear it, but look forward to it. We love it, but fiercely try to control it. We have rules dictating our sexual behavior a mile long and we are accountable for our actions. In fact, it is not only considered appropriate, but it's expected that our leaders will ask us probing questions about our sexual conduct at any moment. Our eternal salvation is perpetually at stake.

With that magnitude of significance and consequence lacing our biological, God given desire to procreate it's no wonder that we get spazzy about sex. As for those of us who have experienced sexual intimacy, we find ourselves in an even more complex position where we did our best to transition from forbidden to sacred and bonding (or at least just plain fun) and now, not only are our souls torn up from the dramatic shifts in our lives, stress levels high, moral compasses whacky and ideals all in question, we have the task of un-familiarizing ourselves with a notoriously relaxing, pleasurable, relieving, happy making activity we once enjoyed. Oh yeah, and we're so lonely we can't watch an insurance ad without bawling.

All that is to say, I hear you! I know. It totally sucks. I hate it, and I'm sorry. Unfortunately, this, like many other things in our lives right now, doesn't have an easy answer. God loves us, is aware of us, grieves with us and ultimately, so far as I can tell (because there really is no literature on this that I've been able to find) doesn't make any moral exceptions for us. We are commanded to be abstinent once more. That's the long and short of it.

That being said, I do have a few thoughts and tips for those of you who feel similarly to the way I do about this issue. Having made it nearly 18 months now without a gentleman caller knocking at heaven's door, this is my advice:


1. Embrace and accept it. It is what it is. No amount of suppressing, avoiding, fixating, indulging, blaming, guilting or denying will make this go away. Craving sexual intimacy is not weird, it's not wrong and while it will likely vary in intensity from time to time, it's not going to go away, and that's okay. This is a moment in time. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to step out of its way and let it happen.

2. Remember that acting on impulses will likely bring momentary relief or enjoyment, but ultimately, when that fleeting experience is complete, we are where we left off, but with less of God's Spirit. I think we can all agree, we could use as much of God's Spirit as we can get these days. Premarital sex is still (now to me, having seen first hand what the bonding power of sex can do) terrifyingly dangerous, especially in the state we're in, and pornography is a cheap counterfeit that sincerely has the capacity to dramatically distort our view of this sacred thing we crave. (Click here for a great website with more on this.) Ultimately, no matter how much emotional pain and turmoil we're in, it's just not worth it. It's just not. 

3. Closely related to #1, try not to beat yourself up about it, because things do happen. Guilt serves one purpose and one purpose only: to motivate us to change. If it's not motivational, it's just another tool in Satan's kit. Accept and love yourself, no matter what you're going through and how close you currently are to following Christ's gospel perfectly. The love of God is endless and cannot be withheld from you if you will look up.

4. Do your best not to dwell. We all have memories of the past and hopes for the future, but letting them run rampant in our minds can only bring us down. Acknowledge that there will one day again be a time and place for that, and allow your mind to be freed by any one of the following:

-Climb a tree and see what you can see.
-Dance with a child, or have her tell you a story from her imagination.
-Take up a sport or some sort of physical fitness hobby. There's more than one way to release endorphins ; )
-Look outside yourself to see the needs of those around you. Help someone in some small way.
-Read a (wholesome) book that takes you somewhere new. The library is full of cheap vacations.
-Make a bucket list and start crossing off adventures.
-Write out how you feel. Sometimes just writing it out, then chucking it will get unhelpful things out of my system.
-Make new (platonic) friends.
-Join a club - hunting, knitting, cycling, dancing, you name it. The more foreign to your regular routine the more brain capacity it takes to learn, the less brain power you have to spare for unhelpful pining.

You get the idea.

I'm not saying it's easy. Heaven knows the struggle I've had and still have with engaging fully in the present life I live. So much time missing and wishing. I am saying, however, there is a high road. In all of the deluge of confusion, pain, grief, frustration and heartache that comes with the end of a marriage, I have found that the most long lasting satisfaction comes when I do my best to take the high road. It's hard, but we can do hard things.

Keep your chin up. Like everything else it gets better with time... sort of : )

That's right. A mother-effing ninja. (Thoughts on Mormon spousal abuse.)

Photo attribution here. 

I've written and re-written this post several times over the course of multiple months. I sent it to a friend, had her edit it, then scrapped it again and started back at square one. I finally have settled on this approach to addressing the incredibly sensitive issue of spousal abuse within the church.

Elder Holland states, "Physical abuse is uniformly and unequivocally condemned in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If it is possible to be more condemning than that, we speak even more vigorously against all forms of sexual abuse. Today, I speak against verbal and emotional abuse of anyone against anyone... these things ought not to be." ( Tongue of Angels, April 2007) 

This quote serves as a direct, authoritative declaration that God does indeed want us to knock it off when it comes to treating each other badly. One who has not traversed the dimly lit, maze-meets-haunted-mansion halls of an abusive relationship would likely consider this advice sufficient for those faced with serious decisions to make in this arena. If he's a jerk, he should shape up. If she's hitting you, she's out of line. Be nice. The end.  

But domestic abuse is a mother-effing ninja that specializes in making origami soup out of what once served as your framework for interpreting life. Most especially this ninja attacks concepts of what is safe and what is not, what is good and what is bad, what makes you special and what makes you terrible and how much you're worth and why. Like many aspects of the complexity that is the human experience, adding the social construct of belonging to the amazing Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints further complicates several issues relating to abuse within the family. Allow me to elaborate.

The Mental Ninja who double majored in Mormon Psyche is capable of taking the very doctrines that grant us security in this world of "shafts in the whirlwind" (Helaman 5:12) and twisting them, distorting them just enough so that they lose their structural integrity. Then he stealthily weaves them into Sunday school lessons and the subconscious minds of many members of our faith. 

When the inevitable collapse comes, he has done what ninjas do best: disappeared without a trace leaving us utterly alone. We then look around for an explanation, only to find the God that we hoped would prevent just such a tragedy doing what He does best: sticking around no matter what. This can be inexpressibly disorienting, not to mention life alteringly disheartening. This is one of many reasons some choose to turn away in the moments we most desperately need to turn toward Christ. 

Walk with me through this list of just three of many doctrines and their related harmful, unsubstantiated extrapolations that can so tragically serve as Mormon Psyche Ninja's double edged sword as he makes origami soup out of the lives of the unsuspecting faithful everywhere. (I think I like this ninja analogy a little too much.) 

God: Marriage is a commandment. It will bring you closer to me.
Ninja: If you break this commandment you will not be able to live with God again. He hates sin and will never be able to look at you the same if you leave your marriage, no matter how bad it gets.  

God: I give unto men my Priesthood. Serve one another. Love one another.
Ninja: (to men) A righteous priesthood holder doesn't leave his wife. Your relationship is the way it is because you're not fully fulfilling your God given duties as a husband.
Ninja: (to women) To be a good wife is to respect your husband's priesthood authority. He has a special connection with God that you cannot understand. To disagree or disobey your husband is to disobey God.

God: Endure to the end.
Ninja: Don't you ever give up, no matter how miserable or unhealthy. If you hold to the rod and be faithful God will make everything right in the end. Your spouse will be the person he or she was when you two fell in love once you cross over into the next life. God will change him or her to reward your good works. You just need more faith. Pray more. Read more scriptures. Fast more. Give greater fast offerings. Magnify your calling more. If you can be perfect in these things it will change the nature of your spouse and your relationship. 

See where I'm going with this? 

The thing about unhealthy relationships is that the way things are in daylight is often not the way things are behind closed doors. When everything you see looks sideways and everything you wanted and worked for is somehow upside down, how do you pull apart all the blurred and badgering voices, the opinions and interpretations and excuses and explanations to discern what is right for you in that moment of time? 

How do you know when you can rightly say, "Enough is enough" in a marriage sealed by God?

Because intimate relationships are infinitely unique and complex, I cannot answer this question for you. What I can say is that I stayed in a marriage that was detrimental to my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing for too long because I was determined not to fail God. I was certain that if I was faithful and kind and good enough that He would make it work for us. We all make choices. Sometimes we or our partners make good choices. Sometimes we make bad ones. Sometimes leaving is the right choice to make. 

In a conference address Elder Oaks, true to his nature,  directly declares, "There are many Church members who have been divorced... We know that many of you are innocent victims--members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it." (Divorce, April 2007)

I'm fast approaching my eight month mark since my divorce was finalized. Every day it gets a little bit clearer that God didn't want me in that marriage any more than I wanted to be in that dimly lit, maze-meets-haunted-mansion marriage. The thing I know bone deep is that God wants us to be well. Sometimes that requires us to do the hard thing, but that's different than thing that kills our souls. 

If this --should I stay or should I go?--question is the question in your heart today, this is my unsolicited advice for you. Find a quiet moment and just breathe. Let whatever is tangled up inside you float to the surface and work itself out. Whatever the next step in your path with God is, there's a place inside you that already knows the way. Staying, separating, counseling, leaving, implementing new plans, books, establishing new ground rules, changing, whatever the path is you need to take, Jesus Christ knows it. He knows the lonely and misunderstood roads best. Wherever you go from here, know that when you walk with God, you walk tall. Regardless where that road leads He will not reject you. He will always love you. That's a concept that can be foreign and untrustable in a troubled marriage. Trust it anyway. He will guide you to health, to happiness, to peace. He will guide you home.